All Aboard The Idiot Train
by Steve West on October 3, 2009
I swear that lately, I feel like the proverbial snowball that inexorably turns into an avalanche. Yesterday, I was unloading the van of the last of the grass needed to complete the front yard landscaping. Only 170 square feet so it wouldn't take long. It was approaching dinner time so I decided to start the grill, load it with the roadkill du jour, and unload the van while they began their slow-cook. Hot dogs for the girls and Brenda and a couple of burgers for me. Unloading the van was a snap, no more than ten minutes. It's amazing how high and hot a fire can get in a closed cover grill in ten minutes. The cheap meat had dripped fat into the flames and started one hellacious greasefire. Hellacious is the right word 'cause I swore I saw Satan dancing in the flames poking my burger with his pitchfork, trying to coax one more drop of grease from my burger to increase the temperature of the fire by just one more degree. I shovelled the food aside and turned off the flame (the part I had control of anyway) and waited for the rest of the inferno to die out. When all was said and done, a couple of semi-recognizable hockey pucks remained and the hot dogs - well, you know those commercials that advertise that they plump when you cook 'em? Talk about your truth in advertising! Those sumbitches were thick as my forearm. Brenda wisely went to McDonald's and got Happy Meals for the girls. I refused to let Satan win and swore I liked my burgers char-broiled, emphasis on the char. I would have my own Happy Meal I said while laughing like a lunatic. I chided Brenda for buying some other restaurant's food while ignoring the wholesome victuals of Steve's 7th Circle restaurant, home of the greasefire burger. Where's the Tums?
Five Replies to All Aboard The Idiot Train
Amy Austin | October 3, 2009
Omg... Steve, are you *sure* you can't make it to GooCon this year? I am dying for you to grill for us. And also to laugh myself to death. Death by char-broil... or maniacal laughter -- your choice. "Both" would be supreme, though.
Lori Lancaster | October 4, 2009
[hidden by author request]
Jackie Mason | October 4, 2009
[hidden by author request]
Steve West | October 5, 2009
If only, if only... I'm saving for next year already and I've forewarned Brenda that if someday she wakes up to find her Hummel collection missing, I'll have no idea where they went or how much they would actually sell for.
Web Junkie
Steve West scours the Web searching for interest or absurdity and then shakes his head ruefully when he finds it. Read more »
How Steve Proposed
Steve: I love you. Brenda: I love you more. Steve: NO, I LOVE YOU MORE! Go »Halloween Post #1: Too Early For Halloween?
Yes, it's too early for Halloween. However, if you plan to order or make a Go »Lucky Number 5
Brenda looked over my shoulder once to see what I was reading that made me chuckle. I told her it was an off-color joke involving the number 68. As it happened, she noticed that this joke appeared on page 68 of the book I was reading. Go »Halloween Is For The Cats
Lest our feline readers feel left out, follow the links to some pretty cool costumed cats. They really look a lot more regal than their canine counterparts. Satan's kitty Earl, the cross-eyed cowboy kitty I am Me-owl from Krypton There isn't any garlic in that catnip, is there? Go »Dumb Criminals And Other Court Type Stuff
Small potpourri of MENSA reject criminals, frivolous lawsuits and just dumb laws. Cupcake Burglar; Cheeseburger Lawsuit; Drunken Sock Eater; Saggy Trouser Law; and Goofy Streaker. The most shocking story to me is this last one in which a victimized Kirsten Dunst had her room burgled and items stolen including a $13,000 handbag. Go »
Scott Hardie | October 3, 2009
Hell is other burgers.